A Conundrum

As I look back on it, I was not mentally prepared (or financially really, but that is another matter) for a field study. The wise thing to do, would have been to stay in Provo and just work. Not take classes, just work as much as I could to save money and prepare for the fall semester. I was not ready to just show up somewhere, establish my life, learn how to conduct research and then conduct it, as well as balancing an intense load of academic course work. Just going to India essentially randomly and trying to establish a life in and of itself was a titanic project. Because I was not ready, because I did not really know what I was doing, all in all, I would have to say that mostly I failed in the explicit goals of my project. That isn't to say that the summer was a failure, per se, or that I did not learn anything. It was incredibly difficult and a very stretching situation. But as to balancing course work and figuring out how to conduct research, success was elusive.

So really, it would have been better in many ways that I had not gone. I am not going to have some amazing paper to show off to future employers or grad schools. In fact trying to describe exactly what I did and why it was worth while itself is a difficult task. Trying to do this semester with the extra things I did not quite finish in the field and trying to pull together a summer that was so full and so empty emotionally, psychologically, and academically is something that is still beyond me (even as due dates sprint at me). Had I not gone I would not feel so unbalanced now. Had I not gone, I would not have been so distracted and so busy this semester. Had I not gone, I would not have near the stress I have had to deal with this past semester trying to work through and conceive of my coursework and my project.

But I promised a conundrum and here it is: had I not gone, I would not be ready to go again. Arguably there are better ways to receive this introduction. I could have waited for a program in which I would be someone's assistant. I could have looked for a program that was an already established project with established contacts and I just had to show up. I do not discount these things. Looking back, much of what I did was foolish and in many ways suffering as the result of being lazy in my preparation. However, the thing that I struggle with most in trying to communicate my failure is that I know now how to do my project. I know how to establish myself on my own in India. I know how to begin a project. I know how to structure it. I know the correct time of year to go. I even have a few contacts that could lead to other contacts. I do not suggest that I have created the foundation to just go next summer and create some field-changing study, but I know now how to start.

So what do I do in this case? How do I create a narrative that makes sense out of this experience? I have suffered much for this field study and most of what I suffered will not yield anything productive. I have no contacts in higher education. This is not my "in" to a prestigious program somewhere. In fact I honestly believe putting myself into a program I was not prepared for and thus being overwhelmed, taking on more than I should have will most likely result in lower marks which will probably hurt my chances of getting into a decent graduate program. But I would not be able to do what I know feel so much more capable of without this experience. Do I regret the problems I have created for myself or do I rejoice in my gained experience? Is it a case of x steps forward, y steps back? Is it better to say I am stable and dependable, send me on a stable and dependable program even though I am inexperienced? Or is it better to say I have no proof, but you can drop me off anywhere and I will try?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the correct answer is. What is done is done. I cannot take back this crazy summer and get back the time I spent this semester worrying over it and working on it. I cannot squeeze back in a productive summer of quiet work and preparatory reading.

Because the thing is there really isn't a way to prepare for international experience. It is international. The point is it is a different culture. If you do it by careful installation, if you try to maintain as much of your previous life as before, you will never succeed. You will always be met with petty irritations and annoyances. There will always be days when the air conditioner/heater doesn't work like the one in America even though you paid extra for it and it would be so easy for the natives to make it work. There will always be days when the people are acting completely irrational in the face of your carefully explained, science-backed rational ideas, explanations, and implorings.

But I guess you just have to be aware that the cost of jumping in with both feet can be incredibly high.

Taxi No. 9211

So I am in the unique position this semester, actually I have been since last semester, I am just doing something about it now, where I have to have a Netflix account and watch movies. It isn't a class assignment per se, but my things will be better if I do it this way. I am struggling in my Hindi class because I can read and write passably, but I cannot speak for beans. So basically the only way I have available to me is to rent Bollywood movies and watch them to try to pick up the language. It actually really helps a lot. I cannot watch them without subtitles, but I can feel at least my listening abilities in Hindi improving. The problem is I have no time for these shenanigans. I get a new movie in and it is a total drag because it means I have to make time to watch the dag blasted thing. Like I said, it is a unique problem.

Tonight I watched Taxi No. 9211. I do not intend to write a movie review, in fact I don't really ever plan to do that here. It isn't really relevant. The reason I mention this one is because unlike so many Bollywood movies that feature the rich and famous and their awesome rich and famous lives, one of the two main characters was a poor taxi driver. They spent a lot of time on his life and his challenges. It was fascinating to get a view of how his sort of everyday life went. It felt so familiar to be in a home like his. It made me so homesick (obviously that isn't the right word, but I don't know the correct one) for India. I miss it so freaking much! I am so excited to go back I can't stand it. I want to go now! Anyhow, pardon my emotions getting the better of me. The marriage of the main character was also very interesting to me. They never said, but I assume it was an arranged marriage. The dynamics of how they interacted was what seemed to me would be an arranged marriage. Also, the other main characters relationship was a loved based one and she turned out to be a gold digger. Coincidence? I think not. The reason this is important to me is because of how good their marriage was portrayed. They really cared for each other. I know it is a movie, so obviously the relationships of the characters are whatever they want them to be, however I find the dynamics of arranged marriages so fascinating. They are not perfect. I have personally seen many awful examples of the problems of arranged marriage, but they can also work. I am excited to learn more about them and see how they work in practice under less constrained circumstances. I think in the West we automatically assume that they are these awful, loveless, abusive relationships where people are just miserable and only love their children. That happens, but I want to see the everyday situations. I know arranged marriages that have turned out quite well. Just because they are not initially love based, doesn't mean that they cannot grow to be love based. Because we as Westerners are so stuck on the concept of whether or not we are "in love" with the person we are marrying, I think we miss how mutual commitment to a relationship can turn it into something great. I mean, how can you really know that you love someone after a few weeks like apparently a couple in my ward does? Obviously in an arranged marriage you only know them for like five minutes, but the difference is, with an arranged marriage, they don't go into it expecting perfection. They don't have the delusion that they in any way really know their spouse. I think Americans fall into that trap so easily.

Anyhow, I am not trying to necessarily argue for the arranged marriage. There are many reason why going into a relationship blind, especially with the way gender roles often work in India, is a terrible idea. However, the more I learn about it, while I may not necessarily agree with it or envy it, more and more I find myself coming to admire and respect many of the aspects of the arranged marriage and all the effort and ideology that are involved in making them work. In many ways, rather than breaking India of their bad habits with our Westernizing influence, I think Americans have a lot they could learn from the Indian arranged marriage that would improve our American "love marriages." Wow, this was such  stereotypical ideal field study blog learning journal entry. How disappointing. I have been trying my darndest to avoid doing this. The question, the exploration, drawing the conclusion, and finishing off with an open ended growth moment or epiphany. I apologize. I will work harder to not do this in the future, lol. I can't stand it.